- Soul Food -

Coming Home

Hello again, world. It has been awhile. 423 days to be exact…

I have been wanting to write again. There are ten documents saved on my computers all with the first paragraph of a blog and then a remaining empty page – the result of a mind with too much to say but a heart too scared to expose itself again. I have been hiding away. But my spirit has been urging me for a while now to allow myself be seen again.

So here I am.

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Becoming Enough

It has been about two and a half months since I last wrote anything on this blog. While I have missed writing, the time away, to be honest, was needed. My soul needed a break; to heal, to discover, to create, to figure out where to go next. And it has done just that. The proof rests in the most unexpected moment I had while enjoying a cup of coffee. I realized I had finally reached what I had fighting to become for as long as I can remember.

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Taking A Break From Transparency

On a scale of brick wall to saran wrap, I am not sure how transparent I want to be right now. I have been relatively quiet about my life lately and that is not unintentional. I am not sure where this blog will go, what I want to say, how I want to say it, but I know it needs to be written. So here it goes...

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Returning Home

Hello world.

Excuse me if I am a little rusty at this writing thing today. It has been a while since I found my fingers on my laptop keys typing vigorously away as my heart spills the truth it needs to have heard. Gosh I have missed it…

It has not been that I have had nothing to say. That is far from my reality. A tremendous amount of life has unfolded in the months since my last blog post. My absence was a result of something being taken away that compromised the transparency I could once so freely provide. It is time to be honest with all of you.

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Defying Logic

I took a walk yesterday morning like I normally do. I wanted one last stroll in the snow before it melted. It looked so beautiful, so perfect, so peaceful. I did not think I would have any trouble, but I could not see what certain weather conditions did to that snow overnight. I was not expecting the battle with the icy snow that was about to happen. And I was definitely not expecting what God wanted to show me about the morning. Every pain has a purpose and every experience has a lesson. This is one I will remember forever.

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Honesty Hour

I do this thing with my boyfriend when we talk where I will say “honesty hour.” I do that to signify a transition in the conversation so he can prepare and know what to reciprocate on his end. He knows where he is about to meet me and what I will need from him as I share parts of my mind and heart I usually let go unspoken.  That being said, I have two words for you; honesty hour. It is time for me to get real with you. I do not have the perfect recovery, and that means I still have present thoughts of life with anorexia. I am playing with fire allowing disordered thoughts to be acknowledged. One drop of the match and everything could be burned I have fought for and acquired through this journey. Relapse awaits me on the horizon. So when the match is dropping as it started doing last night, what will I do? 

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A December in the Unknown

It is December. I am not in a relapse. I am not planning one. I am not lacing up my running shoes and taking off down that path. For the first time since the start of the disorder I am here. I am here in this life healthy and in love and knowing joy. I am here in this life taking chances and living outside of my comfort zone and saying yes. I am here with a heart beating hard over passions I once forgot and a stomach fluttering over the possibilities of the dreams waiting to be fulfilled. I am here…How do I feel about that? Not how one would expect...

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This Is Not My Normal

The past couple of days have been a battle. They have been a far cry from the Jenna who proclaimed victory just two weeks ago. I will not accept this as my normal. My normal was the woman living two weeks ago. I will keep fighting until that normal becomes the only life I live.

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My Thoughts on Before and After Photos

Before and after pictures; they evoke very different reactions and opinions. I found the voices from the side of those who claim they are not beneficial creeping into my mind evoking fear and worry about posting such a photo. How did I let that happen?! Since when did I rest my transformation journey on the opinions of someone else? There is a very specific reason why I share such photos and it has nothing to do with my body or glorification of the disorder.

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How Many Yeses?

A little update on life post the 21 day challenge of not looking at myself. What does my world look like now? A relationship. Sushi. Pancakes. Mexican. Ice cream. Love. Freedom. Joy. The list goes on! It has been a beautifully transforming, life changing, leave me speechless month. Life has moved fast and unexpectedly, but I would not trade one crazy second of it.

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A World Not Made For Butterflies

Wednesday was a challenging day. I fought so hard to be the butterfly but am discovering flying in this life does not come easy. It requires a lot of patience and trust. At the end is a really authentic video I hesitated a bit to share, but I always want to keep this journey honest. A problem arose with these wings I was not expecting.

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The Outside Matching the Inside

I spend most of my days in awe that I get to live with wings now. There were moments I doubted this day would come. I held little hope that the things I once just held as dreams would be made reality. But here I am flying because despite the lack of faith I kept trusting the process, the pain, and the unknown. Monday was a day of fruit produced by that trust. I had to share it all!

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The Butterfly Weekend

I have wings! And it feels AMAZING! I love being able to say I love Jenna. Those words have been a long time coming. I captured a few highlights of what will be two very unforgettable days. Saturday held a moment that will forever change my life. What could it be?!?!

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Today Would Be a Lovely Day to be a Butterfly

BUTTERFLY DAY CAME!!! The final day of not looking at myself, and I am so humbled by how far I have come. This is better than my birthday. I had to fight for this day, and I would do it all again in a heartbeat.  The day had me in absolutely awe and gratitude. I never could have ever imagine saying yes to it would have given me all that it did. I did not just break a habit. I gained a life and love and a beautiful future. In the calm after the beautiful business of the day, I did some reflecting on the journey. Tears ensued. Heart overflowed. Life became incredibly exciting. These videos are a perfect way to close this chapter.

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How Did I Get Here?

Day 21; How did I get here? The question I keep asking myself for which there is no explanation. Tomorrow closes out the journey, and I am completely overwhelmed by the beauty of what has happened from my yes to a very great unknown. Transparently I share my heart and my soul as I prepare for my wings.

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