On a scale of brick wall to saran wrap, I am not sure how transparent I want to be right now. I have been relatively quiet about my life lately and that is not unintentional. I am not sure where this blog will go, what I want to say, how I want to say it, but I know it needs to be written. So here it goes...
- Soul Food -
Excuse me if I am a little rusty at this writing thing today. It has been a while since I found my fingers on my laptop keys typing vigorously away as my heart spills the truth it needs to have heard. Gosh I have missed it…
It has not been that I have had nothing to say. That is far from my reality. A tremendous amount of life has unfolded in the months since my last blog post. My absence was a result of something being taken away that compromised the transparency I could once so freely provide. It is time to be honest with all of you.
I took a walk yesterday morning like I normally do. I wanted one last stroll in the snow before it melted. It looked so beautiful, so perfect, so peaceful. I did not think I would have any trouble, but I could not see what certain weather conditions did to that snow overnight. I was not expecting the battle with the icy snow that was about to happen. And I was definitely not expecting what God wanted to show me about the morning. Every pain has a purpose and every experience has a lesson. This is one I will remember forever.
I do this thing with my boyfriend when we talk where I will say “honesty hour.” I do that to signify a transition in the conversation so he can prepare and know what to reciprocate on his end. He knows where he is about to meet me and what I will need from him as I share parts of my mind and heart I usually let go unspoken. That being said, I have two words for you; honesty hour. It is time for me to get real with you. I do not have the perfect recovery, and that means I still have present thoughts of life with anorexia. I am playing with fire allowing disordered thoughts to be acknowledged. One drop of the match and everything could be burned I have fought for and acquired through this journey. Relapse awaits me on the horizon. So when the match is dropping as it started doing last night, what will I do?
It is December. I am not in a relapse. I am not planning one. I am not lacing up my running shoes and taking off down that path. For the first time since the start of the disorder I am here. I am here in this life healthy and in love and knowing joy. I am here in this life taking chances and living outside of my comfort zone and saying yes. I am here with a heart beating hard over passions I once forgot and a stomach fluttering over the possibilities of the dreams waiting to be fulfilled. I am here…How do I feel about that? Not how one would expect...
Before and after pictures; they evoke very different reactions and opinions. I found the voices from the side of those who claim they are not beneficial creeping into my mind evoking fear and worry about posting such a photo. How did I let that happen?! Since when did I rest my transformation journey on the opinions of someone else? There is a very specific reason why I share such photos and it has nothing to do with my body or glorification of the disorder.
A little update on life post the 21 day challenge of not looking at myself. What does my world look like now? A relationship. Sushi. Pancakes. Mexican. Ice cream. Love. Freedom. Joy. The list goes on! It has been a beautifully transforming, life changing, leave me speechless month. Life has moved fast and unexpectedly, but I would not trade one crazy second of it.
Wednesday was a challenging day. I fought so hard to be the butterfly but am discovering flying in this life does not come easy. It requires a lot of patience and trust. At the end is a really authentic video I hesitated a bit to share, but I always want to keep this journey honest. A problem arose with these wings I was not expecting.
I spend most of my days in awe that I get to live with wings now. There were moments I doubted this day would come. I held little hope that the things I once just held as dreams would be made reality. But here I am flying because despite the lack of faith I kept trusting the process, the pain, and the unknown. Monday was a day of fruit produced by that trust. I had to share it all!
BUTTERFLY DAY CAME!!! The final day of not looking at myself, and I am so humbled by how far I have come. This is better than my birthday. I had to fight for this day, and I would do it all again in a heartbeat. The day had me in absolutely awe and gratitude. I never could have ever imagine saying yes to it would have given me all that it did. I did not just break a habit. I gained a life and love and a beautiful future. In the calm after the beautiful business of the day, I did some reflecting on the journey. Tears ensued. Heart overflowed. Life became incredibly exciting. These videos are a perfect way to close this chapter.
Day 21; How did I get here? The question I keep asking myself for which there is no explanation. Tomorrow closes out the journey, and I am completely overwhelmed by the beauty of what has happened from my yes to a very great unknown. Transparently I share my heart and my soul as I prepare for my wings.
Day 20 of my 21 day challenge to not look at myself is completed! I was reflecting on the transformation from caterpillar to butterfly and their diet change. I know...the irony of that! But the change holds more truth to human life than we realize. What we put in us is what we become, and if I want to be a butterfly, my diet has to change.
Day 19 has come to a close. It began as a bit of a rough day. Just because Disordered Jenna is not there, it does not mean remnants of her are not still lingering around. It is like a hurricane. Even when it passes, there are still things that need to be cleaned up. It never comes without leaving behind some damage. The stronghold of the disorder is no longer there, but the habitual thoughts still surface. However, on this particular day something very interesting happened with them. I was determined to uncover what happened and why. What could it be?!?!