- Soul Food -

Saying Goodbye

A life living as two.

You feel everything on each end of a spectrum at the same time. You laugh as you cry. You smile as you feel sad. You hold on as you let go. You constantly live in a state of bittersweetness. I found myself residing there yesterday.

I was talking to someone and he was telling me that now the disorder is leaving we must fill me up with greater things to build my future. The focus is no longer about where I was but where I am going - a beautiful statement laced with such truth and hope.

But it evoked very different reactions as it fell on two sets of ears…

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Coming Home

Hello again, world. It has been awhile. 423 days to be exact…

I have been wanting to write again. There are ten documents saved on my computers all with the first paragraph of a blog and then a remaining empty page – the result of a mind with too much to say but a heart too scared to expose itself again. I have been hiding away. But my spirit has been urging me for a while now to allow myself be seen again.

So here I am.

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Becoming Enough

It has been about two and a half months since I last wrote anything on this blog. While I have missed writing, the time away, to be honest, was needed. My soul needed a break; to heal, to discover, to create, to figure out where to go next. And it has done just that. The proof rests in the most unexpected moment I had while enjoying a cup of coffee. I realized I had finally reached what I had fighting to become for as long as I can remember.

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Taking A Break From Transparency

On a scale of brick wall to saran wrap, I am not sure how transparent I want to be right now. I have been relatively quiet about my life lately and that is not unintentional. I am not sure where this blog will go, what I want to say, how I want to say it, but I know it needs to be written. So here it goes...

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Returning Home

Hello world.

Excuse me if I am a little rusty at this writing thing today. It has been a while since I found my fingers on my laptop keys typing vigorously away as my heart spills the truth it needs to have heard. Gosh I have missed it…

It has not been that I have had nothing to say. That is far from my reality. A tremendous amount of life has unfolded in the months since my last blog post. My absence was a result of something being taken away that compromised the transparency I could once so freely provide. It is time to be honest with all of you.

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Defying Logic

I took a walk yesterday morning like I normally do. I wanted one last stroll in the snow before it melted. It looked so beautiful, so perfect, so peaceful. I did not think I would have any trouble, but I could not see what certain weather conditions did to that snow overnight. I was not expecting the battle with the icy snow that was about to happen. And I was definitely not expecting what God wanted to show me about the morning. Every pain has a purpose and every experience has a lesson. This is one I will remember forever.

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Honesty Hour

I do this thing with my boyfriend when we talk where I will say “honesty hour.” I do that to signify a transition in the conversation so he can prepare and know what to reciprocate on his end. He knows where he is about to meet me and what I will need from him as I share parts of my mind and heart I usually let go unspoken.  That being said, I have two words for you; honesty hour. It is time for me to get real with you. I do not have the perfect recovery, and that means I still have present thoughts of life with anorexia. I am playing with fire allowing disordered thoughts to be acknowledged. One drop of the match and everything could be burned I have fought for and acquired through this journey. Relapse awaits me on the horizon. So when the match is dropping as it started doing last night, what will I do? 

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A December in the Unknown

It is December. I am not in a relapse. I am not planning one. I am not lacing up my running shoes and taking off down that path. For the first time since the start of the disorder I am here. I am here in this life healthy and in love and knowing joy. I am here in this life taking chances and living outside of my comfort zone and saying yes. I am here with a heart beating hard over passions I once forgot and a stomach fluttering over the possibilities of the dreams waiting to be fulfilled. I am here…How do I feel about that? Not how one would expect...

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This Is Not My Normal

The past couple of days have been a battle. They have been a far cry from the Jenna who proclaimed victory just two weeks ago. I will not accept this as my normal. My normal was the woman living two weeks ago. I will keep fighting until that normal becomes the only life I live.

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My Thoughts on Before and After Photos

Before and after pictures; they evoke very different reactions and opinions. I found the voices from the side of those who claim they are not beneficial creeping into my mind evoking fear and worry about posting such a photo. How did I let that happen?! Since when did I rest my transformation journey on the opinions of someone else? There is a very specific reason why I share such photos and it has nothing to do with my body or glorification of the disorder.

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How Many Yeses?

A little update on life post the 21 day challenge of not looking at myself. What does my world look like now? A relationship. Sushi. Pancakes. Mexican. Ice cream. Love. Freedom. Joy. The list goes on! It has been a beautifully transforming, life changing, leave me speechless month. Life has moved fast and unexpectedly, but I would not trade one crazy second of it.

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A World Not Made For Butterflies

Wednesday was a challenging day. I fought so hard to be the butterfly but am discovering flying in this life does not come easy. It requires a lot of patience and trust. At the end is a really authentic video I hesitated a bit to share, but I always want to keep this journey honest. A problem arose with these wings I was not expecting.

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The Outside Matching the Inside

I spend most of my days in awe that I get to live with wings now. There were moments I doubted this day would come. I held little hope that the things I once just held as dreams would be made reality. But here I am flying because despite the lack of faith I kept trusting the process, the pain, and the unknown. Monday was a day of fruit produced by that trust. I had to share it all!

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The Butterfly Weekend

I have wings! And it feels AMAZING! I love being able to say I love Jenna. Those words have been a long time coming. I captured a few highlights of what will be two very unforgettable days. Saturday held a moment that will forever change my life. What could it be?!?!

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