Soulful Sunday: Fighting the Thoughts of the Enemy

The focus of my Sunday blogs are going to be faith based. I do not shy away from proclaiming my love for Christ and speaking out about my faith. To hide that would be the deepest betrayal to my authentic self and to my Creator. It is because of Him I have a voice to speak. It is because of Him I am where I stand today. All glory for what I do goes to Him. Every battle won, every struggle fought and survived every accomplishment, every step I take is because of Him. I could never do it alone. Trust me when I say that. I tried and was adamant that I did not need Him. Never have I been more wrong in my life. I pushed and pushed Him away for years and brought myself to death denying him yet He refused to give up on me. It is purely by Him that I am still alive. There is no other explanation to it when you look at all the facts. My strength came and still comes from Him. It is His undying love that inspires me. It is me working on seeing myself through His eyes that helps me to accept myself. It is His promises that give me comfort. It is His truth that dispels my lies. It is His words that give me hope.

So much of what I used to think had been placed there by Satan. The thoughts I had degrading myself, questioning my worth, doubting my strength, limiting my potential, wanting to give up were the works of the enemy. I allowed myself to be deceived by him with these lies and many times, did not rebuke them.  Satan wanted me to believe I could not do this, that I was not strong enough to fight, that I was unworthy of love. Years and years of this combined with low self-esteem made these thoughts my truth, my comfort, what was familiar to me. They were the first thing my mind resorted to in times of struggle and distress. They made me sink deeper and deeper into darkness. They made it hard to keep my head above. I tried so hard to rise up but when I did, the thoughts formed a massive wave and brought me down again. One slip in my attempt to get back to the surface and the thoughts came in, making it all seem like a fruitless effort. It left me unmotivated to keep trying; feeling like it was inevitable that I am just going to sink again. I was paddling like crazy but appearing like I was going nowhere. The more I did, the more tired I became and had less energy to dispute the enemy’s lies. It was so tempting to give up. It would have been so much easier to just let myself sink. I got lost in the idea of no more struggle and pain. I craved freedom from the constant thoughts. The surface appeared to be become more distant. The light above me was dimming. The darkness was becoming my new normal. Rock bottom was becoming closer. That place was all too familiar, and it frightened me to see it again, but at the same time was bringing me back home. I knew that place. I knew how to live here. I knew what to and what not to feel there. I knew what is to come. I knew what thoughts will enter. The voice that haunted me in that place, the one of Satan, was harmonious, believable, and so easy to trust. I easily let it in because I was convinced I deserved its presence. It was comforting in a strange way that many find hard to understand. It kept telling me that I need to stop fighting.

But I knew giving up was not the answer. I had dedicated three-quarters of my life to this battle. To surrender would leave all that time in vain, one of my greatest fears. I had to turn the purpose into pain. It was my destiny. I could not leave this earth until I fulfilled that. But how did I do that with the presence of the enemy in my mind all the time?  I had to keep bringing to the forefront the words of God. I had to remind myself on a daily basis what He says. What the enemy says and what God says are complete opposites.

The enemy says: “It’s impossible”/ God says: All things are possible (Luke 18:27)

The enemy says: “I can’t do it”/ God says: You can do all things ({Philippians 4:13)

The enemy says: “I’m too tired”/ God says: I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28-30)

The enemy says: “I’m not able”/ God says: I am able (2 Corinthians 9:8)

The enemy says: “I’m unlovable because of my flaws and past”/ God says: I love you regardless (Romans 5:8)

The enemy says: “It’s not worth it”/ God says: It will be worth it (Romans 8:28)

The enemy says: “I can’t go on”/ God says: My grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9 and Psalm 91:15)

The enemy says: “I can’t figure things out.”/ God says: I will direct your steps (Proverbs 3:5-6)

The enemy says: “I can’t forgive myself”/ God says: I forgive you (1 John 1:9 and Romans 8:1)

The enemy says: “I can’t manage”/ God says: I will supply all your needs (Philippians 4:19)

The enemy says: “I am scared I do not have the strength”/ God says: Do not fear for I am with you (Isaiah 41:10)

The enemy says: “The pain is too great”/ God says: I will replace all the struggle with good (Isaiah 66:9)

Those thoughts of the enemy I told myself on a daily basis. They were there when I woke up, when I looked in the mirror, when I got a shower, when I faced every meal and snack, when I talked to a friend, when I cleaned my room, when I went food shopping, when I went to bed. They never left. Some days they were louder than others, told to me through a megaphone, making it near impossible to hear what God was saying. But I was so longing to hear Him. I prayed relentlessly for the sound of His voice to grace my ears. I was tired of the enemy in my mind. I was worn out by its presence. It left me empty, and I longed to be filled by God. God once felt so close. I felt like I was out of the woods with the devil and that I won the battle with him. He came in me through the anorexia and as behaviors increased, so did his presence and God got pushed aside. God’s words appeared more and more like lies as the severity of the anorexia increased. They all seemed like empty promises when so deep in struggle and pain. When I needed to hear them the most, that is when I refuted them the most. The words of the enemy seemed more believable and pertained to my current situation so I clung to them which only intensified the struggle and kept me in the cycle.

I didn’t know what it would take to end the thoughts. I didn’t know when it would all stop. But I did know that God had not abandoned me in the meantime. I did know He was still there speaking the truth to me even if it was inaudible. I did know that I needed Him more than ever if I wanted to get my head above water. I had to keep praying and praying and put all my trust in God. I had to hand Him my body, heart, and mind and let Him have His way with them. I needed to take them back from the enemy from the hands that were destroying them and drowning me. He was holding me down so I could not rise. I needed God’s mighty hand to sweep me up and raise me to the surface, back into the light. It was only through Him that I could be rescued. It was only by His love and grace I could be set free and break away from the lies of the enemy. And I wanted that more than anything. I wanted to experience the beautiful life He has planned for me. I knew it was there. It was waiting for me. It was waiting for me to trust and hand over my control. It was waiting for me to do the hardest thing in my life. I needed to believe I could take the leap. I needed to have faith it will all be worth it. It was now or never. Life could not keep getting postponed another day. The more I struggled, the weaker I became and the more the enemy invaded, sinking me deeper. It needed to stop before it is too late. The enemy wanted me gone and uses the anorexia to make that happen. I stand her so humbly alive knowing Satan lost. My Redeemer saved me, and I thank Him by living out my destiny beautifully designed by Him.

I encourage you today to let God in, allow His grace to pour upon you, let His words become your truth. The enemy has nothing of value to say to you.