In Loneliness You Will Find Healing

There is a painful truth about transitions in life. In the process of changing and embarking on a new journey, you are going to lose people. This is a difficult topic for me to discuss because it is one I tried to avoid. I put in my best effort to build a tribe that I felt would always be loyal and stand by  me through thick and thin. However, I soon learned that people change and no matter how hard you try, you can never predict people’s behaviors.

Life is going to throw you the unimaginable.

It is going to shake you up. I have been tossed around a lot lately. I am familiar with the pain, a bit more than I ever wanted to be. It is hard to see who have fallen behind as I walk this journey. It is painful to look behind me to see the faces of people who were not ready, able, or willing to walk alongside me. Those were faces I planned a future with, faces I shared my heart with, faces I exposed my deepest fears to, faces I would have bet my life would have been with me to the end.  

To watch them get smaller as I step forward is a painful sight, one that I never could have imagined ever seeing. To those in the midst of it, I validate the struggle.

It hurts. It cuts deep. The people you thought will be by you forever one day just disappear. You begin to question your worth and yourself. One day they are there with you making plans and the next, you seem to no longer exist. Was I worth that little? Was I not deserving of an explanation? Am I that replaceable? All of a sudden you question it all. It consumes your mind. It takes over your heart. It is hard to imagine that the pain will ever lose its sting.

But I need to tell you something. I say this from experience, from my heart, from the very depths of my soul that has risen from the pain of losing the closest relationships to me. Let this sink deep into your heart right now.

You are going to survive. You are going to heal. God is going to present you with someone that wants to be there and will make you realize what you truly deserve. Their leaving is not indicative of your worth. Do not let someone else’s actions change the way you speak to your reflection every day. Do not let someone else’s actions question who you are. Do not let someone else’s actions dictate how you will treat yourself and the choices you need to make to live in fulfillment of your purpose. You are not someone else’s decisions. Do not base your identity off of what has been done to you. It is part of you, not all of you.

There is something else to tell you.

The loneliness is going to come. It will need to be felt. Acknowledge it. Talk about it. Let yourself sit with it. The loneliness will reveal to you a deeper truth. It will teach you a beautiful lesson. I do not want to wish away your loneliness because it is in that you are going to grow. You are going to become closer to yourself. You are going to have your eyes opened to what you really need in a relationship. It is though the loneliness that healing will come.

Yes, you read that right.

I know that sounds impossible, but it isn’t. In my loneliness, I discovered my ability to let my own love be enough, my own company to bring me joy. In my loneliness, I learned that I possess within me the infinite power to heal myself, to rely on myself, and to trust myself. I always put my journey in the hands of others to do it with me, too scared to walk it alone. Being left to fend for myself, I realized that I am fully capable of traveling this journey, overcoming, and taking leaps with only me by my side. That was empowering. That was gratifying. That was what I needed to progress further on my restoration to authenticity. What I thought would be one of the worst things to happen to me because one of the most rewarding.

So, if people in your life want to leave, let them.

Let them walk. If they are out the door, it is okay to say good bye. It is alright to let them go. There is nothing wrong with knowing your worth. There is nothing wrong with knowing that it is time to close this chapter.

It someone does not want to be a part of your journey to something better, it is their loss. If they want to stay behind in the pain, let them. that is their choice. Don’t make yourself stay in the dark because others are afraid of the light. Don’t make yourself live in struggle just to keep people in your life. If people only need you to use you for their own misery or to feed their own demons, that is not a relationship you need to be in. Do not trap yourself so others can feel free. Do not shrink yourself so that others can feel superior. Do not limit yourself and all that you can be because those you surround yourself with are scared to move forward. If you know it is time to leap, then leap even if it means people will leave. I assure you that you will find others as you fly who are going to want to be there as you soar.

I know that doesn’t take away the pain of losing the current relationships. Even the promise of better relationships that are going to surpass the ones you had will not dull the intense ache of seeing those leave who you dedicated your heart to. There is no magic pill to heal the wound. There are no words to strip the hurt away. There are only time and faith. Let them work for you. They are going to do their job, and you are going to be grateful that you allowed yourself to let go.

I never met a change I didn’t thank. The purpose for the ending relationships will one day be revealed. No pain is without a purpose. I believe that will all my heart. It is about being patient while the purpose slowly is shown and keeping your heart open to letting in others.

So please don’t close that beautiful heart of yours.

Do not let these people walking away make you want to build walls. Do not start picking up the stones and constructing a fortress around your heart. Do not let those who don’t deserve you strip from you the ability to welcome in people who do. Do not give people that power to make you reconsider your worth as someone who has the right to be loved and accepted unconditionally. If someone wants to put limitations on you. If someone will only embrace you if you fit their mold. If someone only wants you in their life if you will be under their control, please let them go. When you start to challenge them, defy them, stand up for yourself and they start to turn away, allow them to. Give yourself that gift. Show yourself the love that person did not have the capacity to demonstrate.

This is going to involve a huge leap of faith.

You will need to risk feeling lonely. You will need to face the change of having a temporary void. Please do not try to keep going back to what broke you. You may be clinging to the promises they made to you to always stand by you and support you. You may be replaying those in your head to convince yourself that you need to do all you can to get them back. You may be reciting every word spoken to you, watching the moments in your head of the times you had that you thought were just the beginning of a lifelong relationship. It is the sad truth that words can be empty at times, promises will be broken, and moments will always only stay a treasured memory. You are going to have to fight to let go of what you believed would be and accept what is. You are going to find yourself dreaming of what could have been or should have been or would have been.

Eliminate those words.

You are going to wear down your heart making it stay in the past. You are only going to break it more by giving it false hope as you feed it the lies that your mind wants to believe because it is afraid to let go. You are only going to make it be reluctant to stay open the more you cling to what had the potential to be for you are shutting out what is meant to be. In doing so, you are blinding your heart to the beauty that awaits it. It has no reason to be willing to try again if it cannot see beyond the pain. Stop filling up precious space in that heart of yours with people who don’t want to be there and don’t deserve to be. Leave room in your heart for people who are going to treat it with care and compassion and loyalty.

And please, do not let the brokenness stop your heart from making decisions for your future. Do not let people inhibit your heart from continuing its quest. Do not let people distract you from your journey. They are an element of it, not the ending of it. You had a destiny before they even entered into your life. Do not let their departure stand in the way of reaching it. Keep moving forward despite who leaves.  

So keep looking ahead and stepping onward with a willing heart, a heart open to love, a heart that knows its worth. That void you feel will be filled. Go look in the mirror, and you will see the beautiful person chosen to perform the task. When you are willing, you have the power to make your heart whole again. 

You deserve to heal.

Love, light, and bravery, J.L.