An Awoken Soul

I must be honest. Lately, I have been at a loss for words. My normal ever flowing hands typing rapidly on the keyboard as the thoughts spew out stories and hopes and experiences have been paralyzed. The mind does not know what to say. It is not that I have no thoughts, no truths to share, no ideas to express. It is actually the opposite. Too much is conjuring up in my mind. Too many words are flooding my mind every day. It has left sleep a luxury and quiet time a thing of the past. They sit in my brain hoping to be composed into something to be released. Today is the start.

I do not know where to begin as I embark on this new phase of my journey. I have come to this place that I could have never envisioned myself. A place where all I thought I had wanted is not at all my heart’s desire. A place where what I had perfectly planned for my future is impossible. A place where I am completely uncertain what tomorrow will bring. A place where I am completely exposed and vulnerable; hiding behind the predestined path I paved myself is no longer an option. The path is obliterated, covered by loss and truth. The truth being the path was my plan A when it was God’s plan Z. The truth being I constructed that path from what I believed I should do, what I felt was the purpose for my struggles, what I felt would give me the safest future. That path involved very little risk, very little glory to God, very little passion. It was a selfish path purely to feel like someone, to have a known name, to be seen. The path was sure, and that won out to me.

But I do not want the predictable path. I do not want to forever live in a job defined by my struggles, surrounded in constant darkness, walking a road my heart is not able to find peace on, a path that never brings satisfaction. God did not intend for that to be my journey. I made it mine, and I was clearly shown in a harsh, brutal, but compassionate way by Him it was not going to work. It took loss, pain, loneliness, and fear to abruptly stop me from walking and seek out God’s direction. It is a place of pause I am living in now; trying to patiently wait to hear God’s voice directing my next step.  

I have always heard about things in life shaking you up. I never truly understood that phrase until April with the sudden passing of my best friend, my sister. It literally shook me awake; awake to what I want, to where I need work, to who I am meant to be, to the lies I have been living behind, to the fears I have let dictate my life. Life grabbed me by the shoulders and violently rocked me back and forth to take my sleeping soul and make it arise. I was becoming complacent, settling, convincing myself I was done in growth and change when I had only just begun. I was too comfortable, and that left me unconsciously unhappy.

I did not know how much my safety was impacting my joy in life. In the known, there was none. It was not until I was put in one of the most unsafe, unpredictable situations in I realized the void I had of happiness. And I know that sounds so strange. How could a time of pain, living each day unsure of ever hearing my sister’s voice again, facing every minute in fear I would never feel her touch awaken me to joy? Because it was when I was forced to answer to my calling. Because it was when I had to put my strength to the test. Because it was when I realized I had a choice in that hospital waiting room to live in misery or live in happiness of the time with my sister, engage in the hope of everyone, share in the stories of pure joy people spoke about every minute. In the midst of uncertainty, all I went through came together and purpose was seen. God knew what I needed to wake me up. Nothing else was working. Nobody but Him working through my sister in that hospital could open my eyes to what I needed, expose me for the lies I was living behind, and redirect my steps.

Beautiful things need pressure to be created. Without the pressure, by me living in safety, I was inhibiting my growth and that growth was vital to my joy. Safety was stopping God’s hand in His molding of me, prohibiting His plan, and blocking His presence. There is no greater joy than being invaded from the Spirit. I discovered that living in the unknown would bring me closer to Him for it made me learn to lean on Him and trust Him with each step.

So where does this bring me? I have no answer to that. And honestly I do not believe I ever will. I am becoming content in that truth. I am coming to peace with not being in control, taking each day as it comes, letting God take the reins. Please know that you do not need the answers in life. You do not need to have it all together to move forward. Risk the unknown. Challenge yourself. Do not wait for tragedy to shake you. Decide for yourself you want your soul to come back alive. Wake up.

Love, light, and bravery,

J.L.