The Power of Decisions

The power of decisions.

I did not give much thought to the magnitude of a choice. I did not give much attention to what I was doing and the ramifications each decision would bring. It was not until recently I realized what I have been sacrificing, what I was truly choosing, what I was heading towards with each decision. The weight of their power has been sinking me. The anger towards myself for where I was heading and who I was with each choice has been strong. The regret for what I chose to forfeit and all I missed out on by my choices has flooded me; for what I gave up can never be brought back.

I spent 16 years continuously choosing death. I actively opted to walk the dark path. Every morning I arose choosing with the opening of my eyes to choose to walk to Satan, and some day it was more like a run to him. Every second I made decisions to please him. I was dead long before my body was giving up on me. With each decision, spiritually I became lifeless. With each decision, my hope was dwindling, my faith fading, my beauty diminishing, my peace passing. With each decision, I was losing precious time to create memories. I was sacrificing my pure heart for the evil of quick fixes.

I chose to let Satan have his way.

I refuse to hide behind the excuse I was suffering a mental illness. Yes I know I was but that can never negate the selfish person I became and everything it robbed from myself and others. I cannot use it as justification for denying God and going against His will. There is no explanation for taking a daughter away, a friend away, and a sister away. One day you are going to wake up and those people may not be there to get that time back that you spent making decisions to live in pain and to be trapped. You are going to wake up with no time left, and you are going to be hit with an overwhelming guilt of what you kept choosing when you had the choice to choose better. And it will hurt. An ache so deep that you will wake up in the middle of the night sobbing, praying for just one more minute, one more chance to make a better memory. You will be walking and all of a sudden be unable to breathe, stopping dead in your tracks out of nowhere so overcome by the realization of what you have become that has enabled you to have beautiful moments with the ones you love. All of the choices you have ever made will flash before your eyes, and it will not be pretty. It will not be painless. It will not be filled with pride. I feel that sting every single day.

The heart gets angry at the mind.

The authentic spirit within gets so mad at the choices of the mind which buried and destroyed the essence of myself. The heart screams at the evil in the brain that stole life and love and joy. It is a war every minute; a heart constantly needing to be held back to not lunge out of complete despair, to be held so tight to not break under the pressure of sadness which sits upon it so heavily.

Hate won too many times to count.

I became addicted to the instant relief and the promise to be numb Satan kept offering. I kept choosing what would kill me to avoid the beauty life could give. I was convinced I did not deserve it. It made the choice of death so enticing. It made it the easy answer. But let me tell you there is nothing easy about surviving it and sitting with the choices you made; realizing the damage one small decision you thought nothing about which you kept making every single second so habitually and selfishly has done in your life.

I hate the fact I cannot go back in time.

But if I could, there are surely decisions I would long to take back. I would choose that day to go shopping with my sister over needing to obsessively walk the property to my house. I would choose not to have turned my back and ignored the pain in her face when I said “I have four more laps I need to do.” What I would not give to have those hours back. I let Satan have his way by choosing the dark, doing what would never give me the love my sister could have brought me.

I would choose to sit with my family our last Christmas instead of hiding in my room choosing in each minute something disordered to obsess about, engaging in evil while life happened below me. I would choose to go on that family vacation to our childhood spot where laughter was once the only sound the family knew. Instead I made the decision to let my family go so I could stay home with the disorder uninterrupted and with nobody to confront it to tear it away. I chose to make our family of five that of four, always removing myself to be with the sick thoughts. And then we really did become an earthly family of four and nobody can ever know the anger and the sadness I feel for not treasuring the greatest gift to be together as five. I took advantage of that. I believed it would always be there, that I would get a second chance to make the family whole. But I did not choose life soon enough to see a glimpse of that again.

I wish I go back to that day when my sister sat by my bedside and pleaded for me to hold on, to choose life, to stay her sissy. I would have chosen to listen and not have taken another three years to make decisions of pain and darkness. I would have chosen to fall into her arms and promised to be all that she saw I was in that very moment. I would have chosen to stop delaying life for there was so much we were supposed to do together. I would have chosen to not have to do them alone…

Do not wait to choose light. Life is not going to stop until you do. It is going to keep going, and you are going to miss it. You cannot go back and try again. What you decide in this second holds great power to determine the future; whether it is in the emotions that come when you reflect upon it or in the consequences of what you decide.  

I do not know what battles you are facing that have you at a crossroads of decision making. But I do know if you decide to take the dark path, you are going to look back in the future and wish you stopped choosing to move your feet forward with each decision. You are going to be lost, hurt, angry, and regretful as you see the damage left behind in your footsteps.  You are going to beg for time back for another chance. Safe yourself the heartache. Choose life right in this second, and keep choosing it until the choice ceases to exist.