Magic in the Middle Ground
A life living as two.
You feel everything on each end of a spectrum at the same time. You laugh as you cry. You smile as you feel sad. You hold on as you let go. You constantly live in a state of bittersweetness. I found myself residing there yesterday.
I was talking to someone and he was telling me that now the disorder is leaving we must fill me up with greater things to build my future. The focus is no longer about where I was but where I am going.
A beautiful statement laced with such truth and hope. Words straight from God directing my path spoken out of complete faith.
But it evoked very different reactions as it fell on two sets of ears.
Authentic Jenna heard those words and her heart leaped with joy. Excitement filled every ounce of her body. Her soul was cheering for she had been longing to hear those words for seventeen years. She's been praying and dreaming that one day somebody would speak them. That she would know the sound they make in her lifetime. That her heart would get to experience the benefits of all its hard work. That one day she would get to see her pain turned into purpose while still on this earth.
But then there was Disordered Jenna....
Tears welled in her eyes as those words hit her. Grief and sadness flooded her body. That statement held a greater weight than she thought it would. A fear she was not prepared for hit her like a tidal wave. This meant her life was changing. All she ever knew and all she ever was was fading. Everything she surrounded her life around was departing. It still feels like an act of betrayal to her whenever she walks away from that place she called home so long. That verbal evidence and confirmation of what she already felt was happening brought to the surface much more than she anticipated. It worried her thinking about a life unattached to all those chains for it was never a vision she let herself entertain long enough to actually believe it could happen. The thought she never let implant in her heart for fear it may never come and her hopes, so very high, would come crashing down crushing her.
But yet there it was right in front of her.
So there I was feeling for two. Usually one is stronger than the other. Usually one Jenna is a bit more present than the other. But this past week they have been equal. Their presence has been taking up the same space. And while many may say it is a bad thing to have Disordered Jenna so present, I know the truth. I know why she is so close. She is nearer because she is stepping closer to her purpose almost being fulfilled. She will become more dear and clear to me the more she loses herself for the great sacrifice she will have to make very soon.
As she empties, Authentic Jenna fills. Her empty space is equivalent to Authentic Jenna's fullness which does not only represent what I am but where I am. For right now I find myself on the beautiful middle ground of this journey. The place where the magic happens and a life is defined and questions get answers. The place where the dots start to connect and the pieces make the puzzle. The place of almost's and soon to be's. The place of no longer and not yet. The place of blind faith aligned with complete trust it will produce a transformation never been done before. The place of transition.
And while that may scare most and make people want to run from the spot, to me I have never felt myself in a more sure, certain position in my life. I have no doubt this is where I am supposed to be standing today. The revelation God has so graciously given me this past week solidifies the sacredness of this ground I am walking.
Now I did not always used to love this in between time. I would have been long gone towards the disorder by now at one point in my journey. But here I am today breathing in the air of this never occupied space and taking in the vibrant colors it is covered in and delighting in every experience with which it blesses me.
It is not always pretty or perfect or peaceful. I still stand in this middle ground broken but I now understand to be broken is no reason to see all things as broken. I can stand in imperfection on this path and still choose to see all the beauty that surrounds me. I can still give great gratitude to all that I am and all that is within me.
I like to think of transition as a crystal ball. It gives you a glimpse of where you will be. In random moments of freedom, in occasional times of tears of joy, in spurts of belly aching laughter, in a changing body, you get a taste of what will soon be your future.
Yes, things still are under construction. Parts of me are still growing and feel awkward. This skin feels foreign. This mind is a continual work in progress. This heart is stumbling through being allowed to feel every emotion. This voice is still learning its own sound.
But I would not trade it for anything.
The beauty hidden deep in the cracks of this path only a few grant themselves the privilege to see is incomparable to anything these eyes have witnessed yet. The light they allow to be emitted and the truths written in them make it impossible to ever want to abandon this journey forward.
So I came home yesterday after hearing that statement and vulnerably stood in front of my mirror staring straight into my eyes, the eyes of a woman of God, and thanked her. I thanked her for where she is, where she has been, and where she will be very soon. I needed her to know before I prepare to leave her behind as I transform into a never before seen Jenna just how grateful I am for her existence. Speaking life and hope and courage into her, I filled her heart to the brim with a fresh confidence to venture into the next phase of the journey. With tears in my eyes, I told her how proud I am of her for all the battles she courageously woke up every morning to fight and the scars she bears indicating the spirit of a warrior. How beautiful she is and how she is destined to leave a mark on this world. How honored I am God chose this soul to call her home.
It is such truth this Jenna is fading. I saw it happening right before me as I spoke to her in the mirror. But it is her time. Both Jennas are about to unite soon and one completely new to this world is going to emerge from their wholeness.
I find my heart constantly wandering off in thought to when we will get to meet her...