The Creation of Wings
Day 18 has been beautifully and authentically lived. I have been eagerly waiting for the day to come when I could share one of the most life changing revelations God has given me that will not only speak truth into my life now but for many years to come. Yesterday's video introducing you to Authentic Jenna was my permission to finally do so. There is another Jenna I cannot wait for you to meet. This is her introduction video.
I mention in the video about a blog further explaining all that I am saying. The blog will be found right under the video if you will inspired to read more about the revelation.
As each day passes and more of my journey is shared, I am getting more and more excited for that 22nd day to arrive...
I wrote this back in June when God first imparted this revelation to me on a walk one Saturday morning:
I hear a lot from people that in order to move from the disorder, they need to first create themselves. They need to know what they are walking towards for all they know is their disordered selves. At one point I would have agreed with them. At one point that was my truth and I was dragging my recovery waiting for the creation of Authentic Jenna to happen.
That is no longer my reality.
In my journey, I have gained a lot of personal wisdom and I am nowhere near in mind, body, or soul the same woman that began this quest. So a lot of what I speak now is completely opposite of what I believed seventeen years ago. Even a year ago, so much has changed of what I now know to be truths and revelations that will set others free. I am completely okay with that because in order for the mind to change, it means I have been living and experiencing and moving forward. It means I have been taking risks and letting go and letting God in.
That being said, the idea I once held that I have to create myself I now know to be a personal lie. I do not have to create Authentic Jenna. She already exists. She already has been created and has been living in this world with me. She just went unnoticed. She disappeared from my line of vision. It is not about creating but discovering. This journey is about beginning to see Authentic Jenna. To create her would just put me back in the predicament I found myself in the disorder, trying to make something real that was not designed to be my identity. I would just be creating another false self, ignoring the girl that has always been within me. It would be another cover up, another disguise.
All that I needed was already right in front of me, in me, around me, but I had to clear my vision to see her. I had to remove everything that was blocking my eyes from her. In the disorder, you begin to lose your eye sight to see truth and one of those truths being who you authentically are.
Authentic Jenna and Disordered Jenna are both made up of pieces; pieces created from emotions, labels, identities, memories, characteristics. What happened was DJ (Disordered Jenna) became blinded to the pieces of AJ (Authentic Jenna) as she ventured farther and farther into the disorder. They never left. They just became invisible to the eyes of DJ only being able to see a reflection associated with living a life aligned with the disorder.
But there is a way to see her again.
It comes by moving away from the disorder, step by step and one act of surrender at a time. With everything I let go and change I made, a piece of DJ fell off. But here is the beautiful thing. Every piece DJ loses means a piece that now can be seen on AJ. One piece lost is one piece gained. The pieces of AJ were always there. I just had to give up DJ’s to make them visible. It is about clearer vision, seeing truth and reality with each step you take into true living. Only separation can restore it.
As DJ surrendered her depression and sadness, I came to see and discover that AJ holds within her an immeasurable amount of joy. She knows how to laugh and laugh hard and she loves it. As DJ let go of her defeat and hopelessness and feeling of weakness, I came to see and discover that AJ is far from meek. AJ is strong, mighty, bold. She is a warrior and designed to fight. As DJ surrendered her fear, I came to see and discover that AJ is filled with expansive faith for her future and in herself that has her in a perpetual state of hope.
With each step forward, DJ empties and AJ fills. She starts becoming more seen and recognized and known. DJ, now losing pieces of herself that she clung to for an identity, will start to not know who she is anymore. Engaging in behaviors will begin to feel foreign. It will no longer be as satisfying because the pieces that made it euphoric, that made it make sense, that made it an obligation and a commitment are no longer there. Once the reasons to do something are gone, it loses the appeal. As the purposes that once justified my actions are no longer existence, the desire fades. The disorder loses its affect and power because the pieces that kept it alive and were feeding it have gone away.
Once I fully surrender it, I cannot get it back. It now belongs to AJ. If I try to obtain it again, it will come in the form that AJ made it which will no longer fit the spot on DJ it once claimed. I learned my way out of it. That piece of me was stretched from the experience of letting it go and once that has happened, it can never go back to its old dimensions. It has outgrown me. It can no longer serve me. That is why holding on to even a speck of the disordered qualities in me will never truly reveal all of AJ. DJ still owns it. It has to be a complete, full surrender.
Then one day, I will be standing in front of a completely filled AJ seeing her with all her pieces. But do not think DJ is finished. Her outline, her skin still exists. Her skin, being the core of who she is, is going to serve a huge purpose. For DJ, the skin is her truest self. Her skin is what existed before the words were spoken or the fears developed. It is how she started. It is where DJ began the journey. The root of her existence and the essence of her was always her skin. However, the essence of AJ was always her substance. AJ was created from the inside out. DJ was created from the outside in. The substance of DJ is gone but her skin remains and that skin is going to match the substance of AJ. The pieces of AJ were formed to align with the outline of DJ. They were made to be compatible.
They were made that way to create Butterfly Jenna.
You have to understand that AJ was still not complete. She was still not the Jenna who was made in the image of God. She still created dreams based off her own desires and lived according to what she thought was best. She was still not fully like Christ. Closer than DJ was but not who God designed her to be in her fullest. There was one more step to go.
BJ (Butterfly Jenna) is the result of AJ and DJ joining. When AJ is filled and the skin of DJ aligns with the shape the pieces of AJ created, it begins the transformation process into BJ. DJ is the skin which makes the final cocoon surrounding AJ and AJ is everything inside where her pieces are being rearranged to create a new structure with wings. I cannot create BJ without the skin. DJ steps into AJ as they meet for the first time and covers her so she can begin her metamorphosis. But know that she could not have done that if DJ did not come in her emptiness to unite with her. She needed DJ for the next part of the journey and was anxiously waiting for her to finally reach where AJ was calling home. AJ was ready to fly into a new world but she had to be patient while DJ worked to finally see her as she walked out of her own home land.
How amazing is it that I literally grew and transformed in my pain? The skin of DJ is the pain I went through and the trials I endured and it ends up being what protects AJ as she molds into the two of theirs truest self.
Eventually BJ breaks out of the cocoon. And that is the beautiful thing because it is not like DJ gets left behind while AJ experiences everything. Both have served their purpose and there is their last stop on the journey. Now they get to rest where they are as BJ, with the essence of both of them and with the gratitude of creating her, gets to take off.