Break out of Your Box
I pleaded with the world to let me own that adjective. I begged to be called it, to live in it, to know it. I dreamed of a life deemed typical. A life straight out of a magazine. A life of statistics. A life where the grass was always greener. A life of predictability; graduate at the “correct” age, have a reputable job, get married, have two kids, get a house with the white picket fence, own a golden retriever.
Life revolved around those six letters.
I made dreams to fit the meaning of that word I placed on a throne of power and redemption over my past. I designed my future to make it synonymous with that term I equated to happiness and perfection. I committed a slow suicide of the soul to make that word my truth, my identity, my shot at sanity. I put all my eggs in the basket of normalcy trusting it could give me a second chance at a life I believed I made too flawed the first time around. I silenced my once giddy heart yelling out great hopes and dreams in order to hear a mind of logic and certainty which promised me an enviable, picture perfect life.
I lost myself in that word.
What I have come to find recently is that I strove for everything my true heart is against. I long to be authentic, real, vulnerable. I long to have a life unique to me, only ever being able to exist because of the path I walked and the mistakes I made and the lessons I learned. I ache for a true to form, messy, unpredictable, challenging, matchless life. The dream of my heart was a life where I never would know what tomorrow would give or know what scenery my eyes would open to see every morning or the people I would meet.
Authentic Jenna wants nothing to do with average.
It is opposite of what is intended for my life. No person whoever changed the world got to that place living a normal life. They got there by walking the path less traveled, taking chances, going through trials that transformed their journey, not shying away from a challenge. Inspiration and brilliance is not derived from normal. Normal is far too plain, conforming, safe. Normal is fitting in when you have been born to stand out. Normal is silencing your voice. Normal is living in a box. Normal is calling home your comfort zone. I thought normal would free me but in reality, it would just keep me confined by a new set of chains, transferring myself from one prison to another.
I do not want to live a life defined by someone else. I don’t want typical. I don’t want predictable. I want MY life. I want a life that cannot be duplicated. I want a life birthed out of my heart, my experience, my pain, my joy, my hope.
I proudly admit I am not normal. I do not want to be. I do not pretend to be.
I am me; authentically.