Finding Peace in Calm Waters
It is okay to be happy with a calm life. I found in the midst of the anorexia, I was addicted to chaos. I needed a mind of constant thoughts and obsessions. I always need something to be wrong. Having complete peace and quiet was not right. It was not normal. I felt like I was doing something wrong if I was content in my life. If there was no ravaged sea, no crashing waves, no strong currents, clearly something was not right. I could not be happy in smooth waters. I did not deserve to be in the lazy river happily gliding along. I needed to be tossed around and unsettled to get through life. My lifestyle created chaos. I was drawn to it ,and I attracted it. I gravitated towards the people living in torment themselves. I fed off of their problems, taking them on as my own to give me more reasons to be unsettled. I needed to surround myself with people and things of negativity and pain in order to feel like I wasn’t betraying life. My free time was spent obsessing over unhealthy things and surrounding myself with people who dwelled in and promoted their struggles, almost glorifying the pain. I thrived off of stress and panic. It wore me down. There is so much freedom in separating yourself from toxicity, chaos, and the issues that weigh you down (whether knowingly or not). Today, I encourage you to be okay with a calm life and take steps towards it. There is nothing wrong with kicking people out of your boat if they are not helping you paddle. There is no shame in having to throw things off the ship deck to lighten the load. It is OKAY to put yourself first to keep you from drowning.