I'd Much Rather Fly

We sometimes think we want to disappear, but all we really want is to be found.

When I was younger and was asked if I could have any superpower in the world I would always respond with invisibility. I thought it would be amazing to be able to do things and be in places and nobody know you are there. My response was purely from a physical aspect. I never thought about what would do to my heart to never have anyone look at me again.

So I need to change my answer.

See the world granted me my wish. Somehow I truly did become unseen and unheard. In shadows I was placed. Tape put over my mouth to silence me. A presence denied and ignored. Efforts and successes gone unnoticed. A name forgotten.

I do not want that power anymore.

And I have hurt myself and punished myself to try to get rid of it. Scarring my body and shrinking my frame and crying out for someone, anyone to look my way and no longer see through me but right at me. Slowly cutting away at myself for my voice to be known. Screaming in the form of an empty plate for someone to notice my existence. Hiding myself hoping they will feel some sort of void and go looking for me.

It has not and never will work that way.

I have given up trying to hand that power over the way I have been. I have to surrender my attempts to become visible. Instead, I will just be. I will allow myself the right to live. And I will let the victories, the joys, the laughs, and the hope I gather along the way to fill me. To turn my transparency into solidity. To turn my silence into noise. To paint me into a vibrant array of colors that speak life into others.

So ask me again what my superpower would be. I think it is time to fly….


Jenna LairdComment