The Truth Exposed
I have been at war. The past two weeks I have found myself retreating back to a familiar world. Back to a place I once felt secure and at home. Back to a land where pain brought peace and chaos produced calm. Back into the fire even though I knew there was nothing left to save.
I am sharing this because it is the very thing I wished someone spoke to me when I was just beginning the recovery process. I needed to hear the truth. That you are going to slip and fall and crave with a deep intensity your old life back. That you are going to struggle and sometimes give in. That sometimes you are going to shrink your authentic voice from being heard, consciously ignoring it to feel some relief.
Those times will be inevitable. And they are okay. Struggling is not a crime or something to be ashamed of. I no longer punish myself for making choices I know are not part of my happy ending. I no longer despise who I am for creating an unneeded additional chapter of returning to a battle I already conquered. Because I have learned in this life mistakes will be made and falls will be had and nothing will ever be a straight line up. Because I know I will not stay down for good. I committed to the process of recovery and that means I try again and again no matter how many times I stumble.
Life in recovery presents you with two options at any given moment: to step forward into growth or step back into safety. You have the choice and some days you may find yourself advancing and others you may find yourself retreating. Do not take the latter as a sign of failure or to abandon the battle. It is an opportunity to learn and a chance to uncover more purpose. My greatest wisdom and strength and truths to share with others have come from pain. It will all be used if you let it.
Trust me when I say I know it is painful beyond words to let go and I know it is so tempting to stay behind with the life you once knew. But I also know there is an abundant amount of life ahead that, if you give it time, will far surpass what the past life ever gave you. It will all be worth it one day.